Daily Chuckle

Magicman

Well-known member
Lifetime Member

Equipment
M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere
Oct 8, 2019
1,317
320
83
77
Brookhaven, MS
knotholesawmill.com
A lawyer awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and
found that the curtains were drawn around him.

"Why are the curtains closed?" he asked. "Is it night?"

A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the
street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the
operation was unsuccessful."
 
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skeets

Well-known member

Equipment
BX 2360
Oct 2, 2009
11,000
255
83
SW Pa
What is the difference between a Lawyer and a catfish?????

One is a low life, bottom dwelling ,scum sucker ,and the other is a fish
 
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bcp

Member

Equipment
BX2360
Apr 20, 2011
579
14
18
SW WA
Looks like a combination of a loaded bucket raised high, turning, and running up on a berm.

Bruce
 

Magicman

Well-known member
Lifetime Member

Equipment
M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere
Oct 8, 2019
1,317
320
83
77
Brookhaven, MS
knotholesawmill.com
Two ole' boys were riding down the road and one of them said, ..... better pull this truck over, I'm gona' have to hit the woods! That chili we et has got my tummy rollin'. Where's your toilet paper? ........... Ain't got no toilet paper! I got in a bad tight like that once and I used a dollar bill. ............... A few minutes later he returned to the truck. OK lets go! .............. How'ed that dollar bill trick work out? ............ Didn't have no dollar bill! All I had was 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickle. :oops:
 

Orangeglow

Active member

Equipment
2015 BX2370
Jun 19, 2014
202
49
28
Prescott, Ontario
THIS ONE IS FOR ALL YOU SNOWMOBILERS

* How to Prepare for Snowmobiling in the 2020-2021 season **
1. Go to your local snowmobile dealer, smile and give the first guy you see $200. This will get you used to spending money there on a regular basis.
2. Fill a 45-gallon barrel with sand. Lower it into a hole. Now lift it out. If you can, add water to the sand and try it again. Do this 5 times per day. This will get your back in shape for lifting your sled out of the deep snow.
3. Tie a rope to a heavy-duty spring. Pull the rope repeatedly with each arm until the pain in your shoulders meets somewhere in middle your back. This will get you in shape for starting your bud's sled, which he conveniently forgot was out of gas. It's best to do this exercise while someone is spraying starting fluid into your nose and eyes also.
4. Drink four ounces of cod liver oil mixed with a strong laxative. Dress with long underwear, wool pants, snowmobile bibs, insulated boots and heavy coat. Walk far into the woods without any paper products and wait for a personal emergency. This get you prepare for the Beer chits that come out of nowhere, and at the wrong time.
5. Place your hands in a bucket of ice water for 20 minutes. Put the carburetor from your lawn mower in the bottom of your deep freeze. Now climb in the deep freeze, shut the lid and overhaul it while holding a pen light in your mouth. This gets you prepared to work on your sled in the freezing cold and black of night. Advanced riders do this with a leatherman tool.
6. Dress up in your new $350 snowmobile bibs. Pour 2 stroke oil down the right leg, gasoline down the other and Peppermint Schnapps and Beer all over the front. Fill your boots with ice cubes and ask your wife or girlfriend to dance. This will prepare her for the stops at the local bars during a ride.
7. Put on a Balaclava and a full-face helmet. Attempt to drink hot chocolate through the opening. Advanced riders attempt this while riding a lawn tractor over in the nearest farmers' plowed field.
8. Find a place where you can pay $3.50 a litre for regular gas; $19.99 per litre of oil; $16 for a Hamburger and frozen French Fries; $3 for a coke and $160 to sleep in a cold cabin on a bed with springs sticking through the mattress. Stay for two nights, minimum. This will prepare you on the high cost of your future winter trips.
9. Practice explaining to your banker why you need another loan for a $70,000 truck to pull the four $20,000 sleds, on your
$15,000 trailer that you still owe $50,000 on.
* Now, you are 50% ready, and somewhat conditioned to head for the trails and ride your sled.
 

sheepfarmer

Well-known member
Lifetime Member

Equipment
L3560, B2650, Gator, Ingersoll mower
Nov 14, 2014
3,541
105
63
MidMichigan
THIS ONE IS FOR ALL YOU SNOWMOBILERS

* How to Prepare for Snowmobiling in the 2020-2021 season **
1. Go to your local snowmobile dealer, smile and give the first guy you see $200. This will get you used to spending money there on a regular basis.
2. Fill a 45-gallon barrel with sand. Lower it into a hole. Now lift it out. If you can, add water to the sand and try it again. Do this 5 times per day. This will get your back in shape for lifting your sled out of the deep snow.
3. Tie a rope to a heavy-duty spring. Pull the rope repeatedly with each arm until the pain in your shoulders meets somewhere in middle your back. This will get you in shape for starting your bud's sled, which he conveniently forgot was out of gas. It's best to do this exercise while someone is spraying starting fluid into your nose and eyes also.
4. Drink four ounces of cod liver oil mixed with a strong laxative. Dress with long underwear, wool pants, snowmobile bibs, insulated boots and heavy coat. Walk far into the woods without any paper products and wait for a personal emergency. This get you prepare for the Beer chits that come out of nowhere, and at the wrong time.
5. Place your hands in a bucket of ice water for 20 minutes. Put the carburetor from your lawn mower in the bottom of your deep freeze. Now climb in the deep freeze, shut the lid and overhaul it while holding a pen light in your mouth. This gets you prepared to work on your sled in the freezing cold and black of night. Advanced riders do this with a leatherman tool.
6. Dress up in your new $350 snowmobile bibs. Pour 2 stroke oil down the right leg, gasoline down the other and Peppermint Schnapps and Beer all over the front. Fill your boots with ice cubes and ask your wife or girlfriend to dance. This will prepare her for the stops at the local bars during a ride.
7. Put on a Balaclava and a full-face helmet. Attempt to drink hot chocolate through the opening. Advanced riders attempt this while riding a lawn tractor over in the nearest farmers' plowed field.
8. Find a place where you can pay $3.50 a litre for regular gas; $19.99 per litre of oil; $16 for a Hamburger and frozen French Fries; $3 for a coke and $160 to sleep in a cold cabin on a bed with springs sticking through the mattress. Stay for two nights, minimum. This will prepare you on the high cost of your future winter trips.
9. Practice explaining to your banker why you need another loan for a $70,000 truck to pull the four $20,000 sleds, on your
$15,000 trailer that you still owe $50,000 on.
* Now, you are 50% ready, and somewhat conditioned to head for the trails and ride your sled.
Gee that sounds like fun!
 

PHPaul

Active member

Equipment
B2650, Pronovost snow blower, Landpride rotary mower, Howard tiller, box blade
Apr 2, 2015
598
45
28
Downeast Maine
www.eastovershoe.com
Precisely the reason I sold the sled that I was given. No place to ride it here, no funds (or urge, really...) to trailer it to decent riding country.
 

Lil Foot

Well-known member
Lifetime Member

Equipment
1979 B7100DT Gear
May 19, 2011
4,938
155
63
Peoria, AZ
THIS ONE IS FOR ALL YOU SNOWMOBILERS

* How to Prepare for Snowmobiling in the 2020-2021 season **
1. Go to your local snowmobile dealer, smile and give the first guy you see $200. This will get you used to spending money there on a regular basis.
2. Fill a 45-gallon barrel with sand. Lower it into a hole. Now lift it out. If you can, add water to the sand and try it again. Do this 5 times per day. This will get your back in shape for lifting your sled out of the deep snow.
3. Tie a rope to a heavy-duty spring. Pull the rope repeatedly with each arm until the pain in your shoulders meets somewhere in middle your back. This will get you in shape for starting your bud's sled, which he conveniently forgot was out of gas. It's best to do this exercise while someone is spraying starting fluid into your nose and eyes also.
4. Drink four ounces of cod liver oil mixed with a strong laxative. Dress with long underwear, wool pants, snowmobile bibs, insulated boots and heavy coat. Walk far into the woods without any paper products and wait for a personal emergency. This get you prepare for the Beer chits that come out of nowhere, and at the wrong time.
5. Place your hands in a bucket of ice water for 20 minutes. Put the carburetor from your lawn mower in the bottom of your deep freeze. Now climb in the deep freeze, shut the lid and overhaul it while holding a pen light in your mouth. This gets you prepared to work on your sled in the freezing cold and black of night. Advanced riders do this with a leatherman tool.
6. Dress up in your new $350 snowmobile bibs. Pour 2 stroke oil down the right leg, gasoline down the other and Peppermint Schnapps and Beer all over the front. Fill your boots with ice cubes and ask your wife or girlfriend to dance. This will prepare her for the stops at the local bars during a ride.
7. Put on a Balaclava and a full-face helmet. Attempt to drink hot chocolate through the opening. Advanced riders attempt this while riding a lawn tractor over in the nearest farmers' plowed field.
8. Find a place where you can pay $3.50 a litre for regular gas; $19.99 per litre of oil; $16 for a Hamburger and frozen French Fries; $3 for a coke and $160 to sleep in a cold cabin on a bed with springs sticking through the mattress. Stay for two nights, minimum. This will prepare you on the high cost of your future winter trips.
9. Practice explaining to your banker why you need another loan for a $70,000 truck to pull the four $20,000 sleds, on your
$15,000 trailer that you still owe $50,000 on.
* Now, you are 50% ready, and somewhat conditioned to head for the trails and ride your sled.
I worked with a guy who owned a snowmobile rental place in Minnesota, and from what he told me, that is 100% accurate!
 

Magicman

Well-known member
Lifetime Member

Equipment
M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere
Oct 8, 2019
1,317
320
83
77
Brookhaven, MS
knotholesawmill.com
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you.."


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.



He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!


Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
 
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Newlyme

Member
Lifetime Member

Equipment
M4900 w/loader, finish mower, tiller, auger, rake. BX24 w/loader, backhoe
May 27, 2015
598
5
18
Nelson Ohio USA
A woman walking along the beach comes across a beautiful lamp. She picks it up and gives it a rub.
Out comes a genie and informs her she will be granted three wishes for releasing him from the lamp.
Her first wish is to be transformed into a beautiful woman unlike the world has ever seen.
Poof! She is stunning!
Her second wish is riches beyond her wildest dreams.
Poof! She is adorned in fabulous jewels, clothing, and a bank account full of cash!
Her third wish is to take her beloved cat Fabio and turn him into the most desirable adonis she had ever seen.
Poof! Done!
She was awestruck! Are you Fabio?
He replies, yes. Are you sorry now that you had me fixed?
 

Magicman

Well-known member
Lifetime Member

Equipment
M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere
Oct 8, 2019
1,317
320
83
77
Brookhaven, MS
knotholesawmill.com
Education on the farm

On summer vacation, Lisa and her son, Matt, went to visit her Uncle John, who owned a nice farm. While there, Uncle John was pulling a calf, when he noticed his four-year-old great nephew Matt standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.

Uncle John thought to himself: "Great, now I'm gonna have to explain the 'birds and bees' to him. Well, no need to jump the gun. I'll just wait and see if he has any questions, and I'll just answer them as best I can."

After Uncle John finished pulling the calf, he walked over to Matt and asked him: "Do you have any questions about what you saw here tonight?"

"Just one," the little boy whispered, eyes still wide with wonder. "How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?"
 
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