Daily Chuckle

Magicman

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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

*Don't Mess With Old Ladies*
 
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Magicman

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*Job at the FBI*

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.
 

RCW

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If you try to lift the 3-point hitch on your pickup truck before moving, you might be a tractor guy....

I tried that today, but there isn't a lever on my right side......😳
 
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Fordtech86

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If you try to lift the 3-point hitch on your pickup truck before moving, you might be a tractor guy....

I tried that today, but there isn't a lever on my right side......😳
🤣 I still try to reach for the shifter by my side on the fork lift at work
 

bucktail

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Jun 13, 2016
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If you try to lift the 3-point hitch on your pickup truck before moving, you might be a tractor guy....

I tried that today, but there isn't a lever on my right side......😳
Sounds like you need a Unimog .
 
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xrocketengineer

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BX1880, FEL, Grapple, 36 in. Forks, 48in. MMM, Quick Spade, Ripper
Nov 14, 2020
156
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28
Merritt Island, Florida
*Job at the FBI*

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.
Real FBI Story...
One of my former coworkers ended up working for the FBI. In one of his assignments with a team, he was investigating corruption of a state law enforcement agency that was linked to some drug dealers.
The work was very dangerous since there was a working relationship between the FBI and the law enforcement agency being investigated and all the names of the FBI agents involved in the investigation were known by the other agency. Eventually, death threats were being phoned in to the FBI office naming specifically the agents involved in the investigation. It got so bad, that the FBI agents involved sent their families away and my friend bought an AR-15 and body armor for "personal use at home". He lived in new subdivision and they had built just about four houses so it was very desolate. One night, he notices a car coming in slowly passing in front of his house and turning into the vacant lot across the street, stopping under a tree and turning off its lights. He thought that it was very suspicious and he put on his bullet proof vest and reached for his AR. He turned off all the lights in the house and left through the back door. He slowly approached the car and there was nobody outside. As he got closer, he found two occupants in the car and he yelled - freeze! One of the occupants was a woman and started screaming in fear. The other, was a man and he was trying to reach for something and when my friend was about to shoot the guy, the woman started yelling to the man to stop or he would get shot. The man stopped. It turned out that my friend did not know that the spot was a well known lover's lane and the guy was only trying to zip up...
 
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Magicman

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Oct 8, 2019
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knotholesawmill.com
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
 

RCW

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Apr 28, 2013
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Chenango County, NY
I actually saw a Renault Le Car on the road today.

I didn’t think there were any left, and this one looked like it was on its last legs.

For anyone that remembers them, it made me chuckle....😜😀
 

Daren Todd

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May 18, 2014
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Conway, Arkansas
I actually saw a Renault Le Car on the road today.

I didn’t think there were any left, and this one looked like it was on its last legs.

For anyone that remembers them, it made me chuckle....😜😀
First stick shift car i ever drove was a Renault encore 😁😁😁😁 It was on it's last leg way back then 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
 

armylifer

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Mar 26, 2013
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Thurston County, WA
Real FBI Story...
One of my former coworkers ended up working for the FBI. In one of his assignments with a team, he was investigating corruption of a state law enforcement agency that was linked to some drug dealers.
The work was very dangerous since there was a working relationship between the FBI and the law enforcement agency being investigated and all the names of the FBI agents involved in the investigation were known by the other agency. Eventually, death threats were being phoned in to the FBI office naming specifically the agents involved in the investigation. It got so bad, that the FBI agents involved sent their families away and my friend bought an AR-15 and body armor for "personal use at home". He lived in new subdivision and they had built just about four houses so it was very desolate. One night, he notices a car coming in slowly passing in front of his house and turning into the vacant lot across the street, stopping under a tree and turning off its lights. He thought that it was very suspicious and he put on his bullet proof vest and reached for his AR. He turned off all the lights in the house and left through the back door. He slowly approached the car and there was nobody outside. As he got closer, he found two occupants in the car and he yelled - freeze! One of the occupants was a woman and started screaming in fear. The other, was a man and he was trying to reach for something and when my friend was about to shoot the guy, the woman started yelling to the man to stop or he would get shot. The man stopped. It turned out that my friend did not know that the spot was a well known lover's lane and the guy was only trying to zip up...
As a person that has very many law enforcement officers in his family, including former chiefs of police in my family, I would say that your former co-worker is a very irresponsible FBI agent. He had no business checking out that suspicious vehicle. His DUTY was to call in that suspicious vehicle and sit tight until he was contacted by the police. If I had him as a friend up to that point, I would ditch him immediately. You could get killed just for knowing him
 

Magicman

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M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
Oct 8, 2019
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767
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Brookhaven, MS
knotholesawmill.com
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"


Billy Bob says,

"This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
 

Magicman

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M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
Oct 8, 2019
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Brookhaven, MS
knotholesawmill.com
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't datin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'