Daily Chuckle

Magicman

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M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
Oct 8, 2019
5,103
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Brookhaven, MS
knotholesawmill.com
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry , walks into the
pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his
eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a
table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three
more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders
and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town
is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of
the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering
why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers,
and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised
each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we
drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and
soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and
source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners
would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The
bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest
of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town.
Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me
first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your
brother. You know-the two beers and all"

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to
hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I,
meself, have decided to give up drinking.
 

Daren Todd

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Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
May 18, 2014
9,074
4,547
113
Vilonia, Arkansas
Tom, who does all the “editing out” of offensive posts at a Car Forum, finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his Crossfire for an upcoming Tail of the Dragon meet. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it is time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and just consider selling that thing. Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, ”Darling, what’s wrong?‟ ”There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.‟ ”Ex-wife!‟, she screams, ”YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!‟ Tom’s reply: ”I wasn’t‟.
 

Orangeglow

Active member

Equipment
2015 BX2370
Jun 19, 2014
317
144
43
Prescott, Ontario
An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval
insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be
used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each
biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the
Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts.
 

Orangeglow

Active member

Equipment
2015 BX2370
Jun 19, 2014
317
144
43
Prescott, Ontario
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."



"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
 
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wgator

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Equipment
L4701HST, FEL and other stuff.
Jul 28, 2018
482
147
43
NC
Dang, that describes me :mad: I also have a 22 and 1/2 rule that applies to my DIY projects, it takes 2 times as long to finish then I planned, costs 2 times as much as I planned and looks 1/2 as good as I planned. If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all.
 
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sheepfarmer

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L3560, B2650, Gator, Ingersoll mower
Nov 14, 2014
4,444
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MidMichigan
The Old Farmer's Almanac says that in biblical times, people paid their taxes with herbs such as anise, and in medieval Europe, some used honey to pay their taxes. Since I live in New England, I'm sending the IRS a crate of lobster and clam chowder. I'll let you know how it goes.

(copied from column by Theresa Hanafin)
 
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Magicman

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Equipment
M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
Oct 8, 2019
5,103
6,544
113
80
Brookhaven, MS
knotholesawmill.com
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works
department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow
behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of
the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next
street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl
digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole
digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are
putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do
you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and
fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I
suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a
three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees
called in sick.'
 

Orangeglow

Active member

Equipment
2015 BX2370
Jun 19, 2014
317
144
43
Prescott, Ontario
A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild
“Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-” so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final “Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!” and rode off.

“Why was that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant.

“I don’t know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn’t fall off,” the woman answered.

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”
 
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i7win7

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BX2370, B2650 grapple, tree puller, trailer mover, 3 point hoist, mower, tiller
Feb 21, 2020
3,238
3,750
113
Central, IL
Someone's getting a ticket
ticket this.jpg
 

Daren Todd

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Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
May 18, 2014
9,074
4,547
113
Vilonia, Arkansas
3 guys die and go to heaven. st peter says, well, because it's christmas you all need something that resembles something to do with christmas or you can't get in.

so the first guy lights a match and says, this is a candle and st peter lets him through.

second guys takes out his house keys, waves them about and goes well.. they are bells st peter waves him through.

third guy pulls out a pair of panties st peter asks and what do these have to do with christmas? the man replies they're carols
 
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Magicman

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Lifetime Member

Equipment
M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
Oct 8, 2019
5,103
6,544
113
80
Brookhaven, MS
knotholesawmill.com
Last Tuesday, President Biden got off of the helicopter in front of the White House carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "nice pigs, Sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice President Kamala Harris and I got one for the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Excellent trade, Sir."
 
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