Daily Chuckle

orange crusher

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Sep 30, 2017
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SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"


That, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
 

Magicman

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I tried on my old Army uniform today and I'm proud to say that although I was discharged 55 years ago my hat and socks still fit.
 
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Magicman

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A hilarious story out of Alaska this morning. A lady sat down in the outhouse and something bit her butt and she came out screaming. Her brother came to investigate the commotion and found her sitting bare bum in a snowbank. He looked in and stared at a black bear that had moved some rocks at the back and was doing what bears do in winter. She says she will never use an outhouse again without looking down the hole first.
 

orange crusher

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A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
😂
😂

She paid it and left without saying a word.






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Magicman

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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from a shower, the wife stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take she asked?"

"They will grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
 
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ChrisO83

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Feb 16, 2021
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Memory is good, just short . . .

Two old guys, Joe and Bob, are hanging out in Joe's living talking and watching the game.

Joe says to Bob, "went to a great restaurant last night, really good food."

Bob replies, "ya don't say, good food, huh - what's the name of the restaurant?

Well now Joe is stumped. :unsure:

Sitting there flustered for a good ten seconds trying to remember, Joe finally says to Bob, "what's the name of that flower - you know, the one with thorns, is red and smell real nice?"

Bob replies, "you mean a rose"?

Muttering under his breath, Joe says, "ya, that it", then turning towards the kitchen he hollers out, "Hey Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" :confused::rolleyes:
 
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Magicman

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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says......








"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Wyoming and I'm driving the SAND TRUCK!"
 
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xrocketengineer

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Memory is good, just short . . .

Two old guys, Joe and Bob, are hanging out in Joe's living talking and watching the game.

Joe says to Bob, "went to a great restaurant last night, really good food."

Bob replies, "ya don't say, good food, huh - what's the name of the restaurant?

Well now Joe is stumped. :unsure:

Sitting there flustered for a good ten seconds trying to remember, Joe finally says to Bob, "what's the name of that flower - you know, the one with thorns, is red and smell real nice?"

Bob replies, "you mean a rose"?

Muttering under his breath, Joe says, "ya, that it", then turning towards the kitchen he hollers out, "Hey Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" :confused::rolleyes:
That 's me right there. I can't remember the name of things but I can remember all the things associated with the name. Eventually, after going through all the memories of the associated things I remember the name.
Some people have the memory of an elephant, mine is like one of those machines where you roll a ball and the ball starts to bounce around and collects points, goes "ding ding" and if you shake the machine to try to get more points, you might trip the "tilt" flag and you lose.
What is the name of it?
 
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dlsmith

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Olie and Lena were in front of the judge in divorce court.
The judge looks at them and says "I can't believe you want a divorce. Olie, you're 92 and Lena you're 90, and you've been married for 70 years. So what brought this on?"
Lena looks up at the judge and says "Well, we never did get along that well. But we couldn't put the kids through a trauma of a broken family, so we had to wait until they all died."
 

Magicman

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College Grads

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much does it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
 
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bmblank

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College Grads

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much does it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
It's true! I really do want to know how it works!