Daily Chuckle

Daren Todd · Jun 16, 2015

Last night I told my wife I was built like a greek god

she pointed out that Buddha wasn't greek!!!

D2Cat · Jun 16, 2015

An elderly man in Virginia had owned a large cabin on Dover Lake for many years. It had a large lake in the back
that was properly shaped for swimming. He decided it would be a nice thing to fix up the lake area by adding a dock, chairs and tables, a horseshoe court and some apple, peach and pear trees.

One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond to look it over as he hadn't been there for awhile. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket so he could bring back some fruit.

As he neared the lake, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his lake! He coughed to make the women aware of his presence and they all swam to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned and replied, “I didn't come down here to watch ladies swim naked or get out of the pond naked either.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I'm just here to feed the alligator.”

Some old men can still think fast.

skeets · Jun 16, 2015

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later
and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want
a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no
more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe
on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies

Daren Todd · Jun 17, 2015

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape." A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!" Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast." A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"

Daren Todd · Jun 17, 2015

One fine day, a priest, a rabbi, and a high priestess decide to all go fishing. They manage to get to the water, and off they go. One hour later, the high priestess says, "I think I forgot the food!" She steps off the boat, walks across the water, gets the picnic basket, and walks back! As they are eating, the priest thinks, "What a display. Jeez, where does she get off walkin' on the water?" Right then, the rabbi says, "Oye! I forgot the drinks." He steps right off the boat, and walks across the water to get the drinks. By this time, the priest is very frustrated! He excuses himself, and as the priest steps out of the boat, he falls in the water. The high priestess turns to the rabbi and says, "You think we should have told him about the rocks?"

Daren Todd · Jun 17, 2015

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

Lil Foot · Jun 17, 2015

Is it just me, or are there a couple incidents of deja vu here?

Daren Todd · Jun 17, 2015

Lil Foot said:
Is it just me, or are there a couple incidents of deja vu here?

It's bound to happen with twenty three pages worth

hard to keep track of what we posted unless we stop and reread them all

I know I came close and may have a couple times

bh115577 · Jun 17, 2015

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What Ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer asked, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back. 'Chuck now works for the government.

bh115577 · Jun 17, 2015

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race .... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy azz and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ...... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ..... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ..... you're an insensitive idiot. If you make a decision without consulting her ...... you're a chauvinist.If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If she asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ..... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're a hipstergot.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ..... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache .... she's tired. If you have a headache ..... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't .... there must be someone else.

So why do men die first? Sometimes they want to.

bh115577 · Jun 17, 2015

A very confident James Bond walks into the English bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, Is your date running late?

No, he replies, Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it. The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it? Bond explains, It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically. The lady says, Whats it telling you now?

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties, he said. The woman giggles and replies, Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties! Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, Bloody thing's an hour fast.

bh115577 · Jun 17, 2015

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious. She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye. Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates.

A few days later, Judy went to John and said, You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you? I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure, replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you didn't take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son.

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: Dear John, While I am not saying you do sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you don't sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom.

Diydave · Jun 17, 2015

In the days of the Depression, a family had trapped a few ducks. As they needed some things only money could buy, the father requested his three sons take a duck each and travel around trying to sell them. They agreed and headed off on seperate ways.

The youngest of them knocked on the door of a nearby farm house and a shapely young blonde farm girl answered the door.

"S'cuse me ma'am" said the guy. "I'm wunderin' if y'd be intrested in buyin this here duck frum me". The woman replied "I'd sure like me that plump duck to cook fur our supper, but I aint got no money to spare". "How about a f--k for it?" she asked. The man didn't hesitate and replied "Sure!".

After they'd done the deal, the lonely farm girl said "If'n yer f--k me again - ya can have the duck back".

So he did, and afterwards headed off along the road with the duck still under his arm. Soon a large truck roared past the man which frightened the duck so much that it jumped out of his arms and right under the wheels where it was squashed.

The truck driver stopped and got out to speak with the man who explained that he was out trying to get money for his family by selling the duck. The truck driver felt remorse and offered the guy a dollar for his trouble. The man agreed and headed for home with the money in his pocket.

That evening as they all gathered around the table, the father asked them how they did.

The first son replied "I done good pa, I got me three dollars fur my duck".

The second son replied "I done better 'n him pa, I got five dollars".

Then the third son leaned back in his chair showing a cheeky grin and said "I done better 'n all uf yers, I got a f--k for a duck, a duck for a f--k and a buck for a f--ked up duck!".

85Hokie · Jun 17, 2015

A new young rich man went rabbit hunting with an older experienced hunter,
the older hunter let the dog out of the back of the truck and said watch this,

the dog took off into the woods.....about 5 minutes later - the dog is heading back to the hunters, the old guys says "that dog is going to tell us HOW many rabbits are in the woods and exactly where they are located!"

the young guy watches the dog come back to its master, pointing in a position, and tapping its paw on the ground 3 times.

"go over there, 3 rabbits right behind the tree"

young guys goes, bang, bang bang......three dead rabbits.....mumbles to himself.....

Show me that again.....

dog takes off, about 10 minutes later comes back - pointing a pawing - 4 rabbits over there near the fence! Sure enough the young hunter goes and there is exactly that , 4 rabbits!

young guy says - sir I will pay anything for your dog - ....dog not for sale !!! After a long and repeated performance the older man agrees to sell the dog for a huge amount of money.....

new owner cannot wait to tell all of his friends about the "Smart" dog, he invites about 20 people to come out and watch this dog find and tell where rabbits are located.

they all show up early one morning, the dog heads out of the truck, man is he praising the dog, everyone is looking at the cocky owner, five minutes pass, some of the men start talking about how the dog ran off, 10 minutes, more men are beginning to talk about how this guy got screwed......
20 minutes later, men are laughing to no end, the owner is furious, he is beyond words!
30 minutes later - most of the men watching have left , just a few left standing and they too are ready to head home.

45 minutes later the dog comes back to the master with a stick in its mouth and proceeds to hump the owners leg! The last few watchers break out laughing and head home.

the owner picks up the dog and throws it back into the cage in the back of the truck.....he is pissed.

He gets home and start babbling on the phone to the original owner......
he is so mad that he doesnt even make sense, but somehow explains the whole story......

the original owner , said - dont you get it ? the dog is trying to tell you something!!!

what the @#$@#$ is the @#$@ dog trying to tell me the man asks!!

the original owner simply says, the dog is trying to tell you that there are more f#$#%$ rabbits in the woods than you could shake a stick at!!!

sawmill · Jun 17, 2015

Two men are by a hole they both wonder how deep it is so they pick up a rock and throw it in..... don't hear anything so they pick up an old transmission and throw it in they listen.... don't hear anything.
Then they see a goat running at them full speed and it jumps into the hole.
A farmer coming to them the farmer asks them, "Have you seen my goat?"
The two men say, "Well we saw a goat jump into this hole."
The farmer says, "Well that could not be my goat, my goat was tied to a transmission."

sawmill · Jun 17, 2015

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk." The wasted man asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

Diydave · Jun 18, 2015

A man was quietly watching television at home, when he hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovering unit is on the way and to remain calm.
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this. As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains the plan: 'First I'll climb up there with the ladder, then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat; As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuahua dog will bite him in the nuts'
'When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered it's hands to it's groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs.'
'Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...'
Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asks why he was handed the .12 gauge shotgun?
'Well... ' explains the experienced gorilla retriever, 'It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat.
Shoot the dog...'

Diydave · Jun 18, 2015

While on the subject of dogs... https://youtu.be/Cv1s_e34P6k

Daren Todd · Jun 18, 2015

There is a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

Daren Todd · Jun 18, 2015

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"

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