Daily Chuckle
- Thread starter skeets
- Start date
My wife bought one of those shock collars for our pit bull. While she was getting it ready, she stepped in the kitchen, I saw my chance to grab the remote. She came back in and sat down. I never saw her move that fast. I'm lucky to be alive. It hurts to laugh that hard.
armylifer
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
BX1860, FEL, RCK54P MMM, BB1548 Box Scraper, Quick Hitch, Piranha Bar, BX6315
Many years ago I bought one of those shock collars for our dog. She had a nasty habit of jumping our fence. One time, I saw her taking a run for the fence and I hit the remote button just as she was starting her jump. When that collar shocked her she took a tumble in mid air and landed on the ground in a heap. I started to wonder how much of a shock that collar gave her, that she took such a bad tumble in mid flight. So, I decided to try it out on my own leg for the full 2 second jolt. After my leg stopped being numb I took that shock collar off the dog and never put it on another animal since.
Holiday Safety
Feel free to spread this warning throughout your friend base.Please, take care of yourself out on the roads this holiday season.
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by jokers who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and stuff like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.
Feel free to spread this warning throughout your friend base.Please, take care of yourself out on the roads this holiday season.
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by jokers who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and stuff like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.
Hillbilly Striptease
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in
front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off
first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets
his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid
shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stainedT-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt
from his body, and hurls his
baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world are ya
doing, Billy Bob ?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "But me 'n the wife been havin'
trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested
I do something sexy to a tractor."
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in
front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off
first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets
his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid
shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stainedT-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt
from his body, and hurls his
baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world are ya
doing, Billy Bob ?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "But me 'n the wife been havin'
trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested
I do something sexy to a tractor."
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Here's a little warning when traveling with your spouse.
Happened to be on a road trip with the wife today. Stopped for a potty break at a gas station. Doors are next to each other for the men's and ladies rooms. Got an epiphany (aka major brain fart) and decided to mess with my wife when leaving the bathroom.
Gave the ladies room door my best imitation police knock as I was walking past the door assuming my wife was still in the bathroom. Walked around the corner back into the store and my wife was browsing one of the snack isles
I'm assuming the old lady that went in after my wife was not amused.
Upon seeing my wife, I informed her I didn't need anything and would meet her at the truck, and left in a hurry
Happened to be on a road trip with the wife today. Stopped for a potty break at a gas station. Doors are next to each other for the men's and ladies rooms. Got an epiphany (aka major brain fart) and decided to mess with my wife when leaving the bathroom.
Gave the ladies room door my best imitation police knock as I was walking past the door assuming my wife was still in the bathroom. Walked around the corner back into the store and my wife was browsing one of the snack isles
I'm assuming the old lady that went in after my wife was not amused.Upon seeing my wife, I informed her I didn't need anything and would meet her at the truck, and left in a hurry
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Ole and Sven decided to go ice fishing and Ole called Lars to go along. Lars said he had a bad case of diahrrea. Ole says "dats OK, bring it along veel drink it on da vay"
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a
new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning
against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week.
Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office,
came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.
Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to
tell me what that goofball did here?"
From across the room a voice
said, " He's the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning
against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week.
Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office,
came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.
Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to
tell me what that goofball did here?"
From across the room a voice
said, " He's the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A guy and a girl meet a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says, “Yes…How did you figure that out?’
“Easy,” she replies, “You keep washing your hands.”
One thing leads to another and they make love. After it’s over, the
girl says: “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with an inflated ego says: “Sure - I’m a good
dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl replies, “…Didn’t feel a thing."
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says, “Yes…How did you figure that out?’
“Easy,” she replies, “You keep washing your hands.”
One thing leads to another and they make love. After it’s over, the
girl says: “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with an inflated ego says: “Sure - I’m a good
dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl replies, “…Didn’t feel a thing."
armylifer
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
BX1860, FEL, RCK54P MMM, BB1548 Box Scraper, Quick Hitch, Piranha Bar, BX6315
Skeets, you must be mistaken. I saw that same old lady. I got to her just after you did and she didn't have any money or credit cards in her purse.
PHPaul
Well-known member
Equipment
B2650, Pronovost snow blower, Landpride rotary mower, Howard tiller, box blade
Do you know why ducks have feathers?
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To cover their quack.
Can't believe I made it to 67 years old and never heard that one before.
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To cover their quack.
Can't believe I made it to 67 years old and never heard that one before.
ShaunBlake
New member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
B6100D; B219; Piranha bar; Hodge stabilizers; Filled Ag rears; R322T w/48" deck
On a recent trip to Petsmart, I overheard a lady telling an employee that her ball of fluff was chewing electrical cords and she needed something to deter her from that behavior. A very nice employee walks her over to where the no chew sprays were and points out that the only one she has any experience with is Bitter Apple and it worked well.
You would think that would be the end of it, but no, crazy be nice crap is constantly happening to me. The employee walked away and it was just me and another customer and this loon on the aisle.
Out of the corner of my eye I see her remove the clear cap and I thought....oh yes, that is right take a whiff, idiot. I was ready for a chuckle, but it was sooooo much better. Thankfully I am well aware of the caliber of idiot you can run into, so I moved well out of the splash zone, just in case. I watched as this woman spritzed Bitter Apple onto her wrist like perfume. Not sure what her thought process was at that point but apparently whatever she was trying to do only required 3 sprays of this noxious blend. Then I watch in utter horror as she casually licked her freshly sprayed arm. Yeah you read that right. This person who somehow survived into adulthood just sprayed herself with a product called BITTER Apple and then licked it....in the middle of the store.
Now....if you have never used Bitter Apple you may not appreciate the utter desperation for relief this woman was about to experience. There are warnings on the package about making sure you are not downwind when you spray this stuff. Unless you enjoy a light macing that is. This stuff is no joke.
This woman starts gagging, drooling, and her eyes are watering. She starts fumbling through her purse and pulls out a half consumed bottle of "Smart Water", the irony was not lost on me, don't worry. So there she is alternating between swishing her Smart Water and desperately scrubbing her arm with tiny, individually wrapped wet wipes. Then like it was happening in slow motion, I watch as she takes the wet wipe she had been wiping her arm with, yes, the wet wipe covered in Bitter Apple, she takes that wet wipe and WIPED HER TONGUE. Our eyes met in that moment when she realized she had made another awful mistake. The gagging and desperate water swishing began anew. I grabbed a handful of paper towels from the doggy clean up station nearby and handed them to her. By this time the other customer is pulling her phone out and offering to call 911 bc she thinks this is some sort of medical emergency. We stop her and I send her to get more water.
Once this moron can talk again she is ranting and raving about how horrid that tasted and how no product for dogs should be that terrible. I tried so hard to let it go. I did so good until she wailed that it tasted nothing like apples. This is the conversation that followed:
Me: You do realize that it is supposed to taste vile so the dog will not chew whatever you spray it on right?
Idiot: Yeah, but there is no need for it to burn the dogs eyes and lungs. That stuff is dangerous.
Me: Well, I doubt they expected anyone would spray themselves and lick it in the middle of the store.
Idiot: I do not subject my dog to anything I do not try first.
Me: You better go home then and chew on the electrical cords until you get zapped and see which you prefer being subjected to, a bad taste in your mouth and watery eyes or electrocution.
Customer 2 is giggling at this point. I get a death stare from the moron and she shouted as she stormed out that she felt sorry for my dogs bc I didn't test things on myself first. I kind of hope this crazy plans to get her dog spayed and that she goes in for a hysterectomy herself first to see how it feels first, bc she has no business reproducing.
You would think that would be the end of it, but no, crazy be nice crap is constantly happening to me. The employee walked away and it was just me and another customer and this loon on the aisle.
Out of the corner of my eye I see her remove the clear cap and I thought....oh yes, that is right take a whiff, idiot. I was ready for a chuckle, but it was sooooo much better. Thankfully I am well aware of the caliber of idiot you can run into, so I moved well out of the splash zone, just in case. I watched as this woman spritzed Bitter Apple onto her wrist like perfume. Not sure what her thought process was at that point but apparently whatever she was trying to do only required 3 sprays of this noxious blend. Then I watch in utter horror as she casually licked her freshly sprayed arm. Yeah you read that right. This person who somehow survived into adulthood just sprayed herself with a product called BITTER Apple and then licked it....in the middle of the store.
Now....if you have never used Bitter Apple you may not appreciate the utter desperation for relief this woman was about to experience. There are warnings on the package about making sure you are not downwind when you spray this stuff. Unless you enjoy a light macing that is. This stuff is no joke.
This woman starts gagging, drooling, and her eyes are watering. She starts fumbling through her purse and pulls out a half consumed bottle of "Smart Water", the irony was not lost on me, don't worry. So there she is alternating between swishing her Smart Water and desperately scrubbing her arm with tiny, individually wrapped wet wipes. Then like it was happening in slow motion, I watch as she takes the wet wipe she had been wiping her arm with, yes, the wet wipe covered in Bitter Apple, she takes that wet wipe and WIPED HER TONGUE. Our eyes met in that moment when she realized she had made another awful mistake. The gagging and desperate water swishing began anew. I grabbed a handful of paper towels from the doggy clean up station nearby and handed them to her. By this time the other customer is pulling her phone out and offering to call 911 bc she thinks this is some sort of medical emergency. We stop her and I send her to get more water.
Once this moron can talk again she is ranting and raving about how horrid that tasted and how no product for dogs should be that terrible. I tried so hard to let it go. I did so good until she wailed that it tasted nothing like apples. This is the conversation that followed:
Me: You do realize that it is supposed to taste vile so the dog will not chew whatever you spray it on right?
Idiot: Yeah, but there is no need for it to burn the dogs eyes and lungs. That stuff is dangerous.
Me: Well, I doubt they expected anyone would spray themselves and lick it in the middle of the store.
Idiot: I do not subject my dog to anything I do not try first.
Me: You better go home then and chew on the electrical cords until you get zapped and see which you prefer being subjected to, a bad taste in your mouth and watery eyes or electrocution.
Customer 2 is giggling at this point. I get a death stare from the moron and she shouted as she stormed out that she felt sorry for my dogs bc I didn't test things on myself first. I kind of hope this crazy plans to get her dog spayed and that she goes in for a hysterectomy herself first to see how it feels first, bc she has no business reproducing.