THE PULITZER COLONOSCOPY

orange crusher

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ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.



Colonoscopy Journal:



I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.



A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.



Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.



I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.



Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.



Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'



This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.



The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.





At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.



Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.



There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.



'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...



'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.



I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.



Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.





On the subject of Colonoscopies...



Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:



1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

&nb sp;

2. 'FindAmeliaEarhart yet?'



3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'



5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'



6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'



7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'



8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'



10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'



And the best one of all:



13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'​
 
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85Hokie

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Two words...........

PRICE LESS!!!!

I read it twice!!!!!!!!!! :ROFLMAO:
 
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GeoHorn

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Dave Berry is a national treasure. He once wrote about going out to lunch at a restaurant as a new father with his 1 year old... with another new father and his kid.... It was difficult to finish reading ...I was laughing so hard over his description of how-natural it becomes to young parents...even in a public eating place during a meal.... to sniff a baby’s butt and stick a finger into a diaper to see if it is “loaded” ..... :ROFLMAO: 😅 :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
 
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sheepfarmer

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That made me really laugh! I’ve had at least 2 of those, maybe 3. I get a little anxious at the thought of the fiber optic snake up my rear. The last one my blood pressure was so high and my 12 lead EKG was so out of whack the anesthesiologist said he was not going to do the procedure and was yelling at me because I didn’t have a cardiologist. I was NOT going to go home and do the darn prep again. So I said to the nurse just get him out of the room, slip something in my I V and let me calm down. The doc was kind enough to do somebody else first and by then my bp was ok and he could do the procedure. I am overdue for another, but not sure it is ever going to happen.
 
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MINICUP28

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I'VE HAD FIVE, AFTER 75 NO NEED FOR ANYMORE WITH NO INDICATION OF..WHATEVER...
WAHOOO! NO MORE PREP.
BUT MY WIFE WILL NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE SUBMIT TO IT. SHE HAS SEEN ENOUGH...
THEY WOULD GET A LOT HIGHER RESPONSE RATE IT THEY TOOK YOU IN THE NIGHT BEFORE, GIVE YOU A FEW DRINKS, IMMOBOLIZE YOU BUT STILL FUNCTIONING TO EVACUTAE, THEM YOU WAKE UP AND ALL HAPPY...WITH THE RESULTS..
 
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Old_Paint

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I was drinking a home-made beer when I read this. It was a good beer, until it came out my nose ....
 
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D2Cat

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It's too bad society embellishes the procedure to add further humiliation to the process. Makes one wonder how many went to an early death because they were too humble to submit.
 

Lil Foot

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Anybody who has done this knows the prep is not fun. All of us at work compared our stories and universally decided that if possible we would all prefer to skip the next one.
I worked with one guy who basically refuses to read or follow any instructions. For his colonoscopy prep, they gave him the 1 gallon jug of cleanout laxative. He proceeded to pour himself a drink, drink it down, and think to himself "Boy, those other guys must be real wimpy, this stuff isn't bad at all, kinda like a vanilla milkshake".
Then he got down about halfway, and found 1/2 gallon of thick, chalky sludge that would have been mixed in if he had shaken the jug as the instructions said. He called the colonoscopy office, and they said he must get it all down in the allotted time frame, or postpone the event and have to pay for the missed appointment.
He somehow choked it all down, and his description of it had us all in tears laughing our heads off!
 
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dirtydeed

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yes, they are a bit humiliating and I was nervous as well. I repeated what I had seen in that Rodney Dangerfield movie (was it caddy shack?) when Rodney was in, he told them to make sure "that they rotate the tires". I also asked them for a full LOF (lube oil and filter), nurse replied that she would be using plenty of lube.

But seriously, this procedure is really nothing since you're zonked out. Try having prostrate biopsy's done while fully awake! Had that done twice, don't know if I could do it again while awake. Just thinking about going thru those again makes my eyes water.
 

D2Cat

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I know someone who didn't get it done. Humiliation, fear, embarrassment, I don't know. He was in his late 50's at his death.
 

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I’ve done it a couple times and found it not too bad IF:
Use very cold water to mix the beverage. Drink it thru a straw which you place at the back of your tongue...and you will miss almost All the wierd salty taste. ;)

I had a friend who was dying of colon cancer in his early ‘50s... he was a single parent with a 14 year old daughter and no one to properly care for her. He told me he had maybe 6 months to live and asked me to promise to get a colonoscopy. 4 months later I was checking on him and he asked If i’d had one yet... and I admitted that I had not.
His eyes flashed anger at me and he was vehement in his fury when he said, “You PROMISED!”
I felt so bad I scheduled a colonoscopy as soon as possible. He died ten days later decades earlier than he should have.

If they find Polyps... they remove them during the procedure and it’s a non-event! You will wake up no believing how easy that was!
But...
Here’s the statistics (easy to remember because of the match-up):
By Age Forty: 40% of us will have Polyps.
By Age Fifty: 50% of us will have Polyps.
By Age Sixty. 60% of us will have Polps.

However... 100% of Polyps WILL eventually become Cancerous.

Get your Colonoscopy scheduled... when you get yours done...you will look back on it and laugh over it...and miss out on a potentially painful and troublesome death.
 
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skeets

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I l tell you what after you get a colostomy reversed, getting it done, even being a PIA, takes a load off your mind like you wouldnt believe, I never want to go through that again,,, ever
 

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The original post was hilarious, but Dave Barry could make an afternoon nap at home hilarious.

Maybe I’m odd, but my experience wasn’t near as bad as a lot of my friends and relatives made out. Didn’t eat anything solid for a couple days prior to prep. That may have helped minimize the volume of stuff to be removed as I didn’t spend large quantities of time in the bathroom. Only challenge with the clean out stuff was the large volume required.

The people inspecting your nether regions are medical professionals who look at butts all day every day. It’s not like you’re walking into church Sunday morning in a hospital gown and bending over to pick up a quarter someone dropped on the floor. Your dignity and standing in the community really isn’t going to suffer due to a colonoscopy.

As responsible adults, and I suspect most people potentially reading this fall in that category, we do quite a few things because they need doing regardless of whether they are pleasant or not. This is just something that needs doing. Chemo is a big deal. An ostomy is a big deal. An early death is a big deal. A colonoscopy is NOT some big ordeal to be avoided.
 

mattwithcats

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I asked for directions to my Gastroenterologist's office...

The reply was "Look for the brown Ford Probe parked in the back"

Sure enough, one brown Ford Probe, parked in the the rear...

Somebody has a sense of humor...
 
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PapaJ

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But seriously, this procedure is really nothing since you're zonked out. Try having prostrate biopsy's done while fully awake!
I peed blood for about a week when I had this done. I did get a piece of paper that says I don't have cancer, so that was cool. No colonoscopy for me yet. My wife is pushing me to get one, but I'm in no rush.
 

dirtydeed

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I peed blood for about a week when I had this done. I did get a piece of paper that says I don't have cancer, so that was cool. No colonoscopy for me yet. My wife is pushing me to get one, but I'm in no rush.
Get it done. Since you've been thru the other, a colonoscopy will be a cake-walk...and you won't even hear the click, click, click staple gun sound. I HATE that sound.
 

D2Cat

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The original post was hilarious, but Dave Barry could make an afternoon nap at home hilarious.

Maybe I’m odd, but my experience wasn’t near as bad as a lot of my friends and relatives made out. Didn’t eat anything solid for a couple days prior to prep. That may have helped minimize the volume of stuff to be removed as I didn’t spend large quantities of time in the bathroom. Only challenge with the clean out stuff was the large volume required.

The people inspecting your nether regions are medical professionals who look at butts all day every day. It’s not like you’re walking into church Sunday morning in a hospital gown and bending over to pick up a quarter someone dropped on the floor. Your dignity and standing in the community really isn’t going to suffer due to a colonoscopy.

As responsible adults, and I suspect most people potentially reading this fall in that category, we do quite a few things because they need doing regardless of whether they are pleasant or not. This is just something that needs doing. Chemo is a big deal. An ostomy is a big deal. An early death is a big deal. A colonoscopy is NOT some big ordeal to be avoided.
I agree with your post 100%. My eating habits are I never eat out, always take my lunch if I leave the house for any period of time. Never eat a lot at one setting, just graze all day as I get hungry. Being an insulin dependent diabetic longer then many on this forum been alive, I was concerned about lack of carb intake, and what was in the medicine potion contents. Like you, have little to clean out which made the whole process easier then others express. It only makes sense, the greater the food intake the greater the exhaust will be!

When I left to go to the hospital to get the procedure done, I remember thinking the preparation wasn't nearly as bad as folk make it out to be, and kind of wondered why, or what I had missed.

What I do not understand is why a 300# man consumes the same volume of concoction as a 100# woman. Is everyone's intestines the same length no matter the size of the body?
 

NHSleddog

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Waking up from mine, I asked the nurse if I could pay with poker chips. She said sure (she lied).

I came to so quick the DR was still there talking to the others in the room. The guy across from me got hollered at and slapped around for about 15 minutes before he came to. The nurse said that was longer than usual and not good.
 

Lil Foot

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When I had my last one, they had trouble waking me up, which I warned them about ahead of time.
Because I don't sleep much, when I'm put out with anesthesia, my body decides to "catch up" on all that sleep I missed. I always feel very well rested when I wake up. :)
 
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skeets

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I agree with your post 100%. My eating habits are I never eat out, always take my lunch if I leave the house for any period of time. Never eat a lot at one setting, just graze all day as I get hungry. Being an insulin dependent diabetic longer then many on this forum been alive, I was concerned about lack of carb intake, and what was in the medicine potion contents. Like you, have little to clean out which made the whole process easier then others express. It only makes sense, the greater the food intake the greater the exhaust will be!

When I left to go to the hospital to get the procedure done, I remember thinking the preparation wasn't nearly as bad as folk make it out to be, and kind of wondered why, or what I had missed.

What I do not understand is why a 300# man consumes the same volume of concoction as a 100# woman. Is everyone's intestines the same length no matter the size of the body?
Yes sir they are all the same legnth,