Daily Chuckle

Newlyme

Active member
Lifetime Member

Equipment
M4900 w/loader, finish mower, tiller, auger, rake. BX24 w/loader, backhoe
May 27, 2015
632
62
28
Nelson Ohio USA
Talking with an old private,years ago he had lost his rifle and the Army made him reimburse the government to the tune of $85.00. He said in the Navy that is why the Captains go down with the ships!
 

ShaunBlake

New member
Lifetime Member

Equipment
B6100D; B219; Piranha bar; Hodge stabilizers; Filled Ag rears; R322T w/48" deck
Dec 21, 2014
899
1
0
81
Sugar Hill -- next door to Buford, GA
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who is that on the balcony with Dave?’"
 

armylifer

Well-known member
Lifetime Member

Equipment
BX1860, FEL, RCK54P MMM, BB1548 Box Scraper, Quick Hitch, Piranha Bar, BX6315
Mar 26, 2013
1,955
695
113
Thurston County, WA



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
When I saw this one I started laughing so hard that my wife wanted to see what was so funny. So I showed it to her and all she had to say was: "You don't want to piss off girls". I agree.
 

DaTow'd

Active member

Equipment
what ever it takes to get the job done
Aug 13, 2013
183
150
43
Bella Coma BC Canada
A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens’ eggs become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
 

skeets

Well-known member

Equipment
BX 2360 /B2601
Oct 2, 2009
14,094
2,755
113
SW Pa
Thoughts for Today--



Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.


When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.


A penny saved is a government oversight.


The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .


He who hesitates is probably right.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'


If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.


If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.


There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .


Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf


Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
 

ShaunBlake

New member
Lifetime Member

Equipment
B6100D; B219; Piranha bar; Hodge stabilizers; Filled Ag rears; R322T w/48" deck
Dec 21, 2014
899
1
0
81
Sugar Hill -- next door to Buford, GA
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great- great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
 

Southern Yankee

New member

Equipment
L3301 HST, Front Loader. Land Pride Brush-Hog, Box Blade, and Quick Hitch
May 21, 2016
46
1
0
Wellston, Oklahoma
True Story

I am on leave from the Air Force helping my father on his small farm in North Berwick (near Sanford), Maine. I am in the woods hand clearing brush from the fence line. I had turned off the electric fence as any time I got near the dang thing it would bite me. I had been out about an hour and, unbeknownst to me, my step-mother turned the fence back on when a cow pushed up against the wire.

Sooo, when the call of nature arrived, I urinated against a tree with the wire on the other side. You guessed it, ZAP! %#@& that smarted. I don’t know if it was related but we never had any more kids after that.
 

armylifer

Well-known member
Lifetime Member

Equipment
BX1860, FEL, RCK54P MMM, BB1548 Box Scraper, Quick Hitch, Piranha Bar, BX6315
Mar 26, 2013
1,955
695
113
Thurston County, WA
If we are telling true stories from our military days, I got one for you.

When I was a young private inn the Army I was out in the field during a training exercise when my turn came around for KP duty. The Sergeant put in in charge of washing dishes (there was just one dish washer, me.)

Back in those days we heated the water in big garbage cans with an immersion heater designed for just that purpose. The heater worked by dripping gasoline from a tank into the burn chamber, where it burned and transferred heat to the water surrounding the heater. When you started the fire you first had to drip some gasoline into an igniter cup and then start the drip into the burn chamber. After starting the drip into the burn chamber you had to light the igniter cup with a match and get out of the way.

Anyway, I went through the sequence to start the heater but the gas in the igniter cup failed to light. I threw 3 matches in that damn cup and it still did not ignite.

Well, after a few seconds of waiting just to make sure that it was safe, I went to look in the burn chamber to see what was wrong. Just at the precise second that I was looking in the burn chamber, the gas in there exploded and flashed up in my face. The heater went BIG BOOM, the chimney went about 30 feet in the air and I had every hair on my face burned off. No more mustache, no more eyebrows, no hair anywhere that my hat wasn't covering. I'm talking baby's ass bald. I was dazed and wondering what just happened. My ears were ringing, my face was stinging, I was confused and in a daze.

I was just starting to comprehend what had happened when all of a sudden the chimney came back down, and just missed hitting me, crashing back to the ground right at my feet. I mean, on it's way down that chimney came so close to hitting me that I think that it was just about one inch away from cutting off my manhood. And me just an unmarried Private with no children yet. Talk about saving grace.

That snapped me fully back to cognizance. I thanked The Lord promptly and properly at that moment, for delivering me from what could have been a much worse situation. Thankfully, The Lord has been watching over me all of my life, but I became acutely aware of His presence on that day. By the way, I lived to marry a wonderful woman and we have five children.

Here is a short YouTube video of the type heater I am talking about.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nlpt_awscyo