Daily Chuckle

85Hokie · May 13, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

Daren Todd said:
I resemble that remark pointed out to my wife when we were figuring out our yearly vacation, that we tend to revolve it around food

I like two kinds of food .....sea food and see food .....if I see food - I am gonna eat..........

skeets · May 13, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

The Dark Side of Women

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent
when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The
woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd
be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple more
shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of
the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful
chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her
husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went
ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud
of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive
Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it
will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the
rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now
be your career!"

The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.

The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. He's
dead. Show me what you bought.

Daren Todd · May 13, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

sawmill · May 13, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

This guys wife was badly burned about the face when there gas stove blew up. The doctor told the guy they were going to have to skin grafts on her entire face. Oddly enough the only skin they could find that was compatible was the skin on the guys butt. Several weeks after the operation when his wife was all well, she was just beautiful. One day she told him, "Honey, I am so grateful you let them do the skin grafts." He said, "That's okay Honey. It's thanks enough every time I see your Mother kiss you on the cheek."

olthumpa · May 13, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

Daren Todd said:
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

OK! ! !

Now I have to clean the putter.

ShaunRH · May 13, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

olthumpa said:
OK! ! !
Now I have to clean the putter.

OK

Not sure what a dirty golf club has to do with that joke... unless it's one of THOSE references, and if so... still not sure how that joke applies...

Redpine · May 13, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

A Mexican, and Irishman and a blonde worked high steel together. Every day at noon they stopped wherever they were and had lunch. One day at noon they were sitting on the girders twenty some stories up. The Mexican opened his lunch pail and said "not another burrito! If i have to eat a burrito one more day i'm going to jump." The Irishman opened his lunch pail and said "not more potatoes! If i have to eat potatoes one more day i'm going to jump." The blonde opened his lunch pail and said "not another baloney sandwich! If i have to eat a baloney sandwich one more day i'm going to jump."

The next day at noon they are again twenty some stories up ready for lunch. The Mexican opened his lunch pail and said "another burrito! bye guys." and he jumped. The Irishmaan opened his lunch pail and said "potatoes again! i"m coming too." and he jumped. The blonde opened his lunch pail and said "another baloney sandwich! wait for me." and he jumped.

At the funeral the wives were talking and the Mexican's wife said "if he had only told me i could have made him a taco or a tamalle or chile relleno ." The Irishman's wife wife said if he had only told me i could have made him a corned beef or farl or black pudding. The blonde's wife said "Don't look at me he made his own lunch."

skeets · May 14, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

D2Cat · May 14, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife “What would you do if I won the Lotto?” She says, “ I’d take my half and leave you”! He says great, “Here's $6, I won $12 yesterday”! "Hey, stay in touch”.

D2Cat · May 14, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

The rod and reel is $44 but the Duck Caller is $11, and the Stink Bait is $3.50.

Daren Todd · May 14, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

Four years ago my wife had the job from hell. Being miserable at work was an understatement. I checked our lottery numbers and won $40

sent her a text saying "Hey baby, just wanted to let you know we won the power ball!!!! We got a whopping $40!!!", she happened to be on break and checked her phone

triple checked what I wrote, realized she couldn't quit her job. Finished her shift at 11 pm, came home and proceeded to kick my butt

Lil Foot · May 14, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

Actual incident. Years ago the wife & I were watching tv when a news item came on announcing Joan Collins' 70th birthday party. She was wearing a very short, very tight-waisted, very low cut purple satin dress, which showed off her amazing physique, and of course her beautiful face & hair. She really looked stunning. My wife commented "I hope I look that good when I'm 70." Without engaging brain before mouth, I blurted out "I wish you looked that good now."
After I picked myself off the floor, I had to endure about a week of silent treatment. She eventually got over it, she's a good sport. But ever since, my mouth now has a 6 second live broadcast delay.

Daren Todd · May 14, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!

sawmill · May 14, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

NEVER, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!!!:

sawmill · May 14, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.

Daren Todd · May 15, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I'm going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck." The man says "Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?" The animal control employee says, "Oh, that's for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."

Grouse Feathers · May 15, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

Is anybody worried that skeets has pulled us down/up (your choice) to his level of humor for a thread that is now eight pages long?

Diydave · May 15, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

some stories just need an experienced story teller: https://youtu.be/zzabmVIU6EQ

ipz2222 · May 15, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

you hear about the new store Save A Lot is comeing out with.. They've had 2 trial stores and they worked well,, Ferguson Ms and Baltimore maryland,, it's caused "Grab A Lot."

Daren Todd · May 15, 2015

Re: Daily Chuckel

Grouse Feathers said:
Is anybody worried that skeets has pulled us down/up (your choice) to his level of humor for a thread that is now eight pages long?

Nope, i'm thinking most of us were already there

spent a few hours at the ER the other night with my inlaws. Pulled out my phone and started reading off some of the jokes. At one point I thought they were gonna have to bring out an oxygen tank for my father in law

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