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Old 04-30-2015   #1
skeets
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Default Daily Chuckle

NOTE: don't miss the Welding Chuckles at http://www.orangetractortalks.com/fo...ad.php?t=28486


The Mistress




A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later
and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want
a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no
more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe
on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Last edited by coachgeo; 01-17-2017 at 09:25 AM.
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Old 04-30-2015   #2
armylifer

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Default Re: Daily Chuckel

That was actually funny. Got another one?
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Old 05-01-2015   #3
olthumpa

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Default Re: Daily Chuckel

Quote:
Originally Posted by armylifer View Post
That was actually funny. Got another one?
Pushing your luck?
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Old 05-01-2015   #4
85Hokie

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Default Re: Daily Chuckel

Quote:
Originally Posted by skeets View Post
The Mistress




A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later
and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want
a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no
more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe
on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
damnit man .......i am laughing literally out loud!!!

thanks Skeets !
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Old 05-01-2015   #5
bh115577
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Default Re: Daily Chuckel

Hope no one minds me joining in....




Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
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Old 05-01-2015   #6
skeets
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Default Re: Daily Chuckel

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died."

The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."
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Old 05-01-2015   #7
Daren Todd

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Default Re: Daily Chuckel

Ya know, that just ain't right

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
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Old 05-01-2015   #8
Daren Todd

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Default Re: Daily Chuckel

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……

“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”
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Old 05-01-2015   #9
sawmill
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Default Re: Daily Chuckel

These two guys made a pact with each other that the first one that died and went to heaven would come back as an angle after a couple weeks and tell the other one what it is like up there. The next day one of them had a heart attack and died. A couple weeks later he came back and found his buddy. His buddy says what's it like up there? He said well, I have some good news and some bad news.
The other one said what's the good news? The angle said well, we play baseball everyday. It's just a blast. His buddy says, what's the bad news? The angle said.
You're playing in Saturday's game.
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Old 05-01-2015   #10
Diydave
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Default Re: Daily Chuckel

dem angles know all the saxons...
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