Daily Chuckle

Daren Todd

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Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
May 18, 2014
8,961
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Vilonia, Arkansas
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"
 

Diydave

New member

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L2202 tractor, L185f tractor
Oct 31, 2013
1,635
7
0
Gambrills, MD USA
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed
away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably ...dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?":D
 

bh115577

New member

Equipment
2004 BX 2200, FEL, 60" MMM
Mar 5, 2015
123
27
0
Central NY
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry an extraordinarily beautiful woman, so they could produce gorgeous children beyond compare. With that in mind he set out on a mission to find the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.Well, the Redneck replied, theyre all lookin to get married, so you came to the right place. Why dont you look em over and pick the one you want?

The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the mans opinion. Well, said the man, shes just a wee bit - not that you can hardly notice - pigeon-toed. The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went. Well, the man replied, shes just a wee bit - not that you can hardly tell - crosseyed. The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, Shes perfect, just perfect! Shes the one I want to marry.

The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. Well, explained the Redneck, she was just a wee bit - not that you could hardly tell - pregnant when you met her.
 
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bh115577

New member

Equipment
2004 BX 2200, FEL, 60" MMM
Mar 5, 2015
123
27
0
Central NY
Punctuation matters! Id rather receive the top letter:

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy,will you let me be yours? Gloria

Than to receive this one:

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria
 

volp

Member

Equipment
Kubota B6001, MF35 with backhoe, Ford 3000, JD LX186 Lawn tractor
When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
Sorry, I did not think SPINE and I am a doctor!:eek:

Anders
 

Daren Todd

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Lifetime Member

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Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
May 18, 2014
8,961
4,329
113
Vilonia, Arkansas
After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down."
 
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Daren Todd

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Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
May 18, 2014
8,961
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113
Vilonia, Arkansas
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
 

olthumpa

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L275
May 25, 2011
1,501
2
38
Maine
Teacher: If I give you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir.


Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I give you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir.


Teacher: Let me put it differently. If I give you 2 apples and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will you have?


Johnny: Six


Teacher: Good. Now it I give you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!


A vary angry teacher: Where in the *ell do you get seven from?


A very angry Johnny: Because I already have a **cking cat! !
 

bh115577

New member

Equipment
2004 BX 2200, FEL, 60" MMM
Mar 5, 2015
123
27
0
Central NY
Money well spent??

A Short Story for Engineers You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.


A toothpaste factory had a problem: Due to the way the production line was set up, sometimes empty boxes were shipped without the tube inside. People with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming off of it is perfect, 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which cannot be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean quality assurance checks must be smartly distributed across the production line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket won't get frustrated and purchase another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory gathered the top people in the company together. Since their own engineering department was already stretched too thin, they decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP (request for proposal), third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later a fantastic solution was delivered, on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. The problem was solved by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box off the line, then press another button to re-start the line.
A short time later, the CEO decided to have a look at the ROI (return on investment) of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. There were very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. That was some money well spent!, he said, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
The number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. How could that be? It should have been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers indicated the statistics were indeed correct. The scales were NOT picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Perplexed, the CEO traveled down to the factory and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, a $20 desk fan was blowing any empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. Puzzled, the CEO turned to one of the workers who stated, that one of the guys put it there cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang!

$8 million vs $20 Hmmm! Money well spent?
 
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Daren Todd

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Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
May 18, 2014
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Vilonia, Arkansas
Leave it to a lazy person to come up with a cheap simple solution :rolleyes:
 

D2Cat

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Mar 27, 2014
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I think it may have the appearance of lazy, but not necessarily so! Often times problem solving looks simple after the fact.

Think of all the simple inventions we take for granted.
 

Daren Todd

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Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
May 18, 2014
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Vilonia, Arkansas
How true, I'm a firm believer that if you have something giving you fits, you ask the people that work with it everyday to help come up with a solution. A lot of times it's a cheap simple fix instead of having to engineer something over again. :D

Now back to the jokes :D

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
 

85Hokie

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BX-25D ,PTB. Under Armor, '90&'92-B7100HST's, '06 BX1850 FEL
Jul 13, 2013
10,270
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113
Bedford - VA
I think it may have the appearance of lazy, but not necessarily so! Often times problem solving looks simple after the fact.

Think of all the simple inventions we take for granted.
Ditto on what D2Cat said.....

now lets go back in time (us people over 50 - hell 40 for that matter) You Dad was watching a baseball game on TV, "hey son, get up and change to channel 13 - dont move.....now change it back to 7!) The invention of the remote control.....ok - yes it was lazy, and probably invented by a man.....but dayum,, one example of brilliance! I remember the rotary dial ...used the hell out of it on the phone....now we have speed dial, you better yet just talk to your phone!!!!
 

Diydave

New member

Equipment
L2202 tractor, L185f tractor
Oct 31, 2013
1,635
7
0
Gambrills, MD USA
Money well spent??

A Short Story for Engineers You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.


A toothpaste factory had a problem: Due to the way the production line was set up, sometimes empty boxes were shipped without the tube inside. People with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming off of it is perfect, 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which cannot be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean quality assurance checks must be smartly distributed across the production line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket won't get frustrated and purchase another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory gathered the top people in the company together. Since their own engineering department was already stretched too thin, they decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP (request for proposal), third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later a fantastic solution was delivered, on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. The problem was solved by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box off the line, then press another button to re-start the line.
A short time later, the CEO decided to have a look at the ROI (return on investment) of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. There were very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. That was some money well spent!, he said, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
The number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. How could that be? It should have been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers indicated the statistics were indeed correct. The scales were NOT picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Perplexed, the CEO traveled down to the factory and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, a $20 desk fan was blowing any empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. Puzzled, the CEO turned to one of the workers who stated, that one of the guys put it there cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang!

$8 million vs $20 Hmmm! Money well spent?
Nasa spent thousands of dollars on a pen that would write in space, russians used a pencil...:D
 

Daren Todd

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Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
May 18, 2014
8,961
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113
Vilonia, Arkansas
Yup, don't kbow about you, but my dad was to cheap for the rotor motor for the antenna on the side of the house. Would sit in his chair and yell when you got it where it needed to be to get the other channel. Then realize that the prior channel was playing something better :rolleyes: then you were right back out there with the pipe wrench turning the darn thing again :rolleyes: was real fun when it was thiry below out side :rolleyes: ahh, the good ol days :D
 

Diydave

New member

Equipment
L2202 tractor, L185f tractor
Oct 31, 2013
1,635
7
0
Gambrills, MD USA
A movie production company desperately needs a new idea. They decide to make an Action Film featuring Classical Musicians.

They begin to enlist famous Action Heroes, offering them a high pay if they’re willing to play the roles. The actors that finally agreed were; Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

They were then told to chose which Classical Artist they wanted portray.

Sylvester Stallone says, “I’ll be Beethoven.”

Bruce Willis says, “I’ll be Mozart.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger says, “I’ll be Bach.”:D
 

skeets

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BX 2360 /B2601
Oct 2, 2009
14,094
2,755
113
SW Pa
Daren now that's funny,, messin with the airplane passengers,,,,LMAO
 

Daren Todd

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Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
May 18, 2014
8,961
4,329
113
Vilonia, Arkansas
Daren now that's funny,, messin with the airplane passengers,,,,LMAO
They were discussing it on the head up your a@@ headlines this morning on the radio. Figured I would google it and share :D